We’ve all been there. You’re having a conversation with someone. It could be with a friend, colleague, relative, or an acquaintance. Maybe you’re discussing plans for the upcoming weekend, or about the new boots you finally bought for yourself.

All seems fine until the conversation takes a turn, and you start to sense it…this person is about to ask you for a favor.

Now, you don’t mind helping someone in need. You most likely find joy in helping & serving others, as most of us do. We’re naturally generous creatures, and it makes us feel good when we’re able to have a positive impact on someone else.

However, there are times when we’ll be asked for favors that require more of our energy, time, and sometimes money, that we don’t necessarily have the desire or the ability to spend.

When we feel obligated to do something that we don’t particularly want to do, we feel the added pressure & almost a need to say “yes.” This can make us feel frustrated and even resentful toward the person asking for the favor. 

We might be wondering why they would put us in the obligatory position of not being able to say “no.” We might even be manufacturing excuses in our heads, before they even ask the question, so that we can have one ready to go when they do.

So the proverbial band-aid gets ripped off, and the favor is presented. They explain your role in said favor, however, they follow it up with “but you are free to say no.” And something about that follow-up statement took the pressure off of saying “yes,” and you actually felt more compelled (rather than obligated) to help this person out.

Interesting, right?

The BYAF rule is the second rule covered in Inc.com’s article about four rules emotionally intelligent people use, to make better decisions, better first impressions, and live a happier life.

The article highlights a review completed in 2013, of over forty studies that targeted this subject. And it turns out that allowing the freedom to decline a favor creates options. And having options doesn’t make us feel like we’re backed into a corner.

Implementing this rule when we ask for favors from others provides them the space & autonomy to make the decision on their terms. We’re also providing them with the security of ‘no hard feelings’ if they were to say no. In turn, this reinforces trust & strengthens our relationship with them.

We should never have to manipulate any situation to get our needs met. Utilizing this rule enables us to display a new level of emotional intelligence that creates balance for everyone involved.